


It's Time to Let Go

by morphia



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Mild Angst, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 08:49:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3930517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morphia/pseuds/morphia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky's attending Steve's birthday party, and finds himself reflecting on what he'll never have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Time to Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> A friend's birthday is a coming and she's requested a story where Bucky attends Steve's birthday party, and understands he'll never get a chance to be with him. Inspired in part by [this song.](https://youtu.be/cos9y6Mfv6s)  
> So I wrote something, and [imaginaryelle](http://imaginaryelle.tumblr.com/) looked it over for me (thanks dear!)  
> I tried to keep the angst to a minimum, both at the friend's request and because I'm kind of allergic to it, but it wouldn't be a Bucky story without a little bit of something...  
> Hope you enjoy it, anyway~~~

 

\-------------------------

If he's honest, Bucky has to admit that he'd never really felt worthy of Steve's affection. They'd known each other for years before he ever had the guts to try for something more. Every time Steve smiled at him, smudged in dirt after yet another brawl, Bucky had to ask himself how he'd come to deserve having such a beaming smile and unparalleled friendship. And when, during the war, his flailing attempts to ask for more had been well received, he'd still found himself reeling in disbelief. It had been hard to fathom that this was actually happening to him. In a way, the feeling resembled falling without a parachute or safety net.

It'd all come to an abrupt and sudden end when he did, quite literally, fall out of a damned Nazi train in the mountains. He remembers feeling anger, loss and terror among other things during the long, awful moments it took for the hit to come. And he'd said goodbye to everything in his heart on the way. He'd said goodbye to the chance to see Steve's smile again, to lazy mornings during leave, to the warmth of his best friend beside him. Deep down, he'd smiled bitterly to himself and faced it: he and Steve just weren't meant to be.

It's self control alone that keeps the punch-filled tumbler in his hand whole. What had come after Bucky's fall is still a patchwork of disjointed, barely processed memories. Stark had called in a few favors from neuro-specialist friends of his, enlisting their help in creating the technology needed to help reconstruct Bucky's memories. For that, Bucky is grateful, and he tries to tell himself it doesn't matter what had motivated the billionaire inventor to do it, even though he's sure it's got to something to do with the man's relationship with his ex and best friend since childhood.

The birthday party had been Stark's idea, and Bucky isn't even embarrassed that he'd been so surprised it took him a moment to grasp that what the man had been holding was an invite. And no matter how much Bucky had tried to turn down the invitation, Tony had insisted. His triumph had come in the shape of one very small phrase:

"Steve would love to see you there."

The sneaky bastard. Tony, Bucky thinks, is well aware of the lingering emotions he's harboring for everyone's favorite Captain America. He thinks, irrationally maybe, that this is a taunting mechanism, designed to satisfy some sort of sadistic tendencies underlying Tony's altruistic mannerism. God, he's even  _thinking_ sarcastically now.

Well, maybe those considerations stem from that godawful, cheerful song playing in the background. He's still unsure how "baby" has become such a prominent word in the popular music industry, but he's sure he hates pop music with every repeat of it. He can't remember ever using such a term when working his charms on a lady, and he's honestly shocked that women accept this as endearment. The future is a strange, scary place.

The song, he sighs, reassures him that said "baby" is with another guy, and if that isn't a jab at him for having missed his opportunity with Steve, what could it possibly be? A poor choice of playlist? Bucky doesn't pin Tony as tasteless, nor does he think the guy does anything by halves. If a song is on that playlist, it's for some purpose, and that purpose is to poke fun at Bucky. He's sure of it.

The tumbler is set very carefully on the table just as the song fades out, and a slower song fades in. Bucky turns to find an exit, only to be blocked by a shock of red hair that flares under his nose and a woman- "Natasha--"

"Ah ah, don't thank me yet, soldier," she says, her tone playful as she sends a smile his way. He wants to think her sudden appearance and demeanour are unnerving, but in his over-long, painful life, he's met much more terrifying things to worry about. Humans, however skilled, are either targets, or potential roadblocks to a target. Natasha tilts her head towards the dancefloor area, her hair flinging gently with the motion, spreading a sweet scent between them, and Bucky wordlessly looks over to see what she's trying to tell him. He knows it's not a coincidence that she'd approached him just as he was about to leave.

Steve, the big duffus, is standing next to Tony, one hand scratching self consciously at the back of his head and the other hanging aimlessly to the side. Tony smiles at him like… like Steve's the first and last man on the face of the Earth. Tony's lovesick look is, frankly, adorable. Bucky is loathe to think something like that about the man he's busy resenting for, admittedly, imagined slights. It's not like Steve could be "stolen", anyway. Steve is, Bucky has to trust this, where he wants to be, and if the way he's looking at Tony is any indication… Well…

"Cute, aren't they-"

"-Kinda makes you-"

"sick."

A small, surprised moment passes between them. It hadn't been what Bucky was planning to actually say out loud, but he'd be lying if he said he hadn't been thinking it. The wicked smirk Natasha sends his way makes him chuckle despite himself. Trust the Russian Spy to see right through him.

She raises a challenging eyebrow at him, as if saying 'don't bother denying it. I could hear you thinking from across the room.' But luckily, she doesn't say that. Instead, she grabs his discarded glass and throws back the remainder of his drink. "Way I see it," she says conversationally as their eyes turn back to watch the two love-birds dancing close together. "You either let go of that dream, or you let it fester in you until you end up doing something you'll regret." She sounds like she's got hands-on experience, but Bucky stays quiet about it.

He knows she's right, anyway. He's not the most stable, mentally sound man in the room, but he knows he doesn't want to hurt Steve, and he knows that if he doesn't let go of that longing, he might end up doing just that. He's got to accept that that ship has already sailed. It doesn't take more than a brief glance at Steve and Tony as they sway to the music, to know that what they have is special, to see how happy they are, how connected they'd become during those years Steve had been around and Bucky was still in cryo.

Yes, life isn’t fair. Yes, he wants to believe that had they both survived the war back when, they might've been able to have what Steve and Tony now have, but that's all water under the bridge. He has to focus on the good things. Steve is well, and willing-even eager-to be his friend. His own memories are mostly back, though he suspects the parts he’s not remembering so well are not a product of malfunction, but rather an act of kindness. He decides at that moment to never ask.

"Feeling better?" Natasha asks then, and her tone is surprisingly soft. He turns to her, only to find her already looking at him, and he asks himself briefly if her skillset includes mindreading and he'd just never been informed. He pushes the thought aside as soon as it comes, and lets himself smile. It's a small, fragile thing, and it feels like it's going to fall off his face any second, but he holds onto it while it's there. How long has it been since he'd actually smiled?

"Little bit," he says, stuffing his hands in his pockets and pulling up his shoulders. It's still a little jarring, to feel human again, but… Maybe he could get used to it.

"Ugh," he hears Clint exclaiming from somewhere to his right, and immediately looks back to the dancefloor. Steve is kissing Tony, and it doesn't look like anything Bucky remembers from him. It's a full body action, Steve's back bowing to fit against Tony, who's pulling himself up so that they can meet halfway. Their eyes are closed and they're wrapped in each others' arms. Clint's conclusion, Bucky decides, is totally accurate.

"Children," Natasha mutters, though she sounds more amused than exasperated.

 

 

 


End file.
